Filed under: relationships
I don't know how it happend. I mean I guess I do… I mean, I know that it happend because I called her (techinally texted her) and asked her to hang out. I mean, If i didn't do that then none of this would have happend.
I look back on all my old relationships and I think this one is definately the easiest. I don't have to try really hard to make this girl like me. I don't have to make excuses to my friends on why I think she's so cool.
It's wierd though that- because it's so easy it makes me wonder if I am just imagining it being perfect again.
It's hard to say if this one is the one… or if I just want it to be the one.
She's amazing… but everyone has at least one flaw… I haven't really found hers yet… but I am guess it's going to be pretty bad.
well one thing that kinda bugs me is that she likes to go dancing and i can't dance. So bascially- I don't go. But thats my choice.
Filed under: Uncategorized
So my life at this time seems like bullshit! When do I get my payoff! What’s it all for- all the pain and heartache- everyday- it’s hard. Sometimes I wish I could just cry hard and get it out of my system- but I can’t.
I hate sounding like a baby about things- but maybe thats just what I am at this time- I so tired of comming in last place- I tired of not being good enough… I am tired of failure.
I just want a good reason to be happy again. I mean I was happy- till I met a girl- seems like maybe I should just stay alone for my entire life- maybe i’ll be happier that way.
It’s not anyone’s fault but my own- I did give her to much of myself so why am I complaining about it! Why does it still hurt it’s been over a month!
I think the thing that makes me the saddest- is that I am pretty sure there two girls that may have a crush on me- one of them I am not attracted to… the other- I don’t even wanna think bout it! Why does it make me sad u ask? Cause I know what it’s like to like someone who don’t like ya back and it hurts alot. And Cause if it makes me feel the way i do now- or did- or something like that- i don’t wanna be apart of it.
I mean they haven’t said anything about being anything more than friends- but one of them asked me to come over for dinner- which was alittle strange- maybe not- last weekend she asked me to come over to this “get together” with some friends where we played some games- Actually she probably is just being nice- but I am not sure… I am not sure If i want her her to like me or if I don’t want her to like me… it’s a strange feeling.
And then there is my X turn good friend turn doesn’t answer her phone- i am being forgoten i believe and that makes me sad too! I can’t stop thinking bout her. It’s so hard… it makes me wanna just curl up and sleep and never wake up- cause every time I sleep I dream of her and in those dreams everything is always going or ending up GOOD!
I have had several dreams where she said she was sorry for everything and finally confessed everything to me- and i finally figured out everything and I felt sooooo good and I was happy and I knew that everything was going to be perfect and my life was going the way it was supposed to. But then I wake up and it hurts to know that she’ll never say that and it’s never going to be ok… never! SHE BLEW IT! and I am suck with it!
IT’s like in that movie Love potion NUMBER 9… there was two potions- one that attracted every girl to you… and the other one that if u kiss ur true love – you’ll know… and if you kiss someone who’s not… ur going to taste mule piss for the rest of ur life and never get it out of ur mouth… well i am tasting mule piss! – not really- but thats the only anlogoy i can think of … if you haven’t seen the movie… rent it. It’s in the old movie section.
I am tired of being lonely- but I am more tired of being used and taken advantage of..
GOD GIVE ME SOMETHING USEFUL IN MY LIFE!
Filed under: Uncategorized
Dear X…
Wow, it’s been a week since you broke up with me again. You know you broke up with me in the most fucked up fashion too. How can you still try to be my friend? Are u purposesly trying to ruin my life?
I don’t know how ur so easy to just walk away. Liar! Liar!- How you sit there and tell me that you care alot bout me and that I am really great and all that – and then the next day? What happend? WHY DID YOU leave? AND WHY DID IT TAKE TO THREE DAYS TO COME UP WITH AN EXPLIANATION? Was It a real excuse? You texted me that you had a emergency- how hard would it have been to say you had to watch ur sisters kids? HOW FUCKING HARD! INSTEAD U DRIVE ME CRAZY!!! WONDERING WHAT THE HELL HAPPEND! I mean who leaves a boyfriend/girlfriend a day before they move 3 hours away? NO good byes. NO REASONS. JUST DEVASTATION.
HOw am I supposed believe you? HOW CAN YOU SIT THERE AND ASK ME IF i want the stuff I gave you for valentines day back? YOU LIKE INSULTING PEOPLE! WELL GUESS WHAT- since you insulted me- I am going to insult you! YES I WANT THEM BACK- I WANT EVERYTHING BACK- I WANT ALL THE DINNERS I BOUGHT YOU… THE MOVIES I RENTED… THE TIME I SPENT WITH YOU… THE POEM…. THE RING TONE I BOUGHT FOR U… I WANT MY HAND BACK, AND MY KISSES… I WANT THE back RUB BACK! I WANT THE SONGS I SUNG BACK! I WANT THE HOURS OF THINKING BOUT YOU BACK! I WANT THE WEEKS OF DEPRESSION BACK! I WANT EVERY BIT OF ANYTHING THAT I GAVE YOU BACK! NOTHING LESS!
Go ahead and cry- maybe your new boyfriend will treat you like you treated me.
YOU ARE JUST LIKE THE DEATH OF ALL THINGS LIVING ON THIS PLANET>>> WHERE EVER YOU GO… WHAT EVER YOU TOUCH… DIES INSTANTLY! AND YOU DON”T EVEN NOTICE!
YOU COULD SAY THAT THIS IS MY OWN FAULT! SO WHAT! YOU TOOK ADVANTAGE OF ME! USED ME, DRUG ME THROUGH THE MUD! WHAT KIND OF LOVE IS THAT!
I HATE UR FREAKING GUTS! YOU SLIMEY LITTLE GIRL! GROW UP AND TAKE A LOOK AT UR LIFE AND HOW POINTLESS IT IS!
Filed under: Uncategorized
If i could cry,
My tears would resemble
Falling leaves.
You could count them one by one.
But, eventually you would
Lose the number.
There are to many.
——————-
Fraglie morning fog
I can hardly stand
The arrival of the grey plainess you bring.
eh,,, just trying to come up with something… but nothings comming.
Filed under: Uncategorized
but you won’t let me.
If only i could write
but there’s nothing left to say.
If only i could cry
But there is no way to move on.
If only I didn’t truly believe
That there is no one else on this earth
that I can love as much as you,
But you took my heart and ran
Taking with u my courage
My love, My hope, and my reason to live.
The worse part is that my inspiration
moved to missiourri!
Filed under: Uncategorized
I had a very cruddy day. I don’t know maybe it’s a good thing but maybe not…
It started last night!
Last night: I ended up reading all kinds of anti-Mormon stuff- a lot of them say the same thing. There is some very very horrible stuff out there being said too-!!!
Then I remembered my problems with my old church- there was a lot too- which is why I stopped going. There really isn’t one thing that messed me all up- just little things- but lots of little things.
A lot of it was the hypocrisy of the members of the churches I was going to- people always said one thing and did another.
I was usually left in charge of something- prayer groups- school prayer groups- leading people out to meet strangers and invite them to church- I did a lot of stuff. But in the end I always felt like I was the one doing everything while everyone else had other more important things to do-
Another thing though, I know for sure was that no one really ever said anything as bad as the stuff I read last night about the Mormom church. The more I read the more I got upset at the people saying this stuff. How can they really say that the Mormon church isn’t true if they never really looked into it. How the stories bout people leaving- How do I know those people weren’t crack heads or something.
So, I ended up not not doing anything last night- Then I couldn’t sleep either cause I was thinking bout everything- to go to church or not to go- ended up dreaming bout going. I woke up at 6:30-
Still I wasn’t sure if i was going to go or not. Around 745 i decided I was going. was ready around 830- got to my car- had a flat. Which was flat before- but I aired it up yesterday afternoon and by last night it still hadn’t gone flat so I wasn’t expecting it. I tried changing the tire, and I couldn’t cause I didn’t have a lug wrench. I drove my car with a flat tire over to the gas station to air up the tire, only when I got there, the tire was coming off the rim and I couldn’t air it up… so I had to jack my car back up and then push the tire back on, and air it up- in the process I got all dirty- I was mad- I was told church started at 9- and it was 8:57…
So, when I finally got the tire aired up i noticed that I could hear air coming out of the tire. It was going flat fast… so I quickly went to wal-mart- didn’t get out of there until 945 this morning. I was mad that I could have slept in and stuff. but I got up really early- so I drove around for like an hour. Finally came home and changed. I got hungry so I went to taco bell- well, it’s bout 6 miles away… That’s when I noticed my tire was going flat again after I just had it fixed! 
… I take it back to wal-mart- 2 hours later they tell me that the guy who fixed it noted a unfixable leak- and a fixable one… SO i got charged for getting my tired fixed for nothing cause it wasn’t fixed. They SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME!!!
Long story short… I have my donut tire on there now and It sucks.
Filed under: Uncategorized
-somethings gotta give. I hate this thing-with this girl- Why can’t shit just be normal again.
I try to pretend like I don’t care. I hope she’s pretending that she don’t care-but I really don’t think she does.
I hate being the sappy guy- that sluggishly lives on potato chips and Mt. Dew-watching cheesy unrealistic love stories-
-She said to me yesterday by accident- do you really think i am cheating on you- and while i shouldn’t have asked her if she was seeing someone already- that was a pretty big mess up on her part- cause now I think she’s still really got feelings for me- I hope she does.
Last night I might have been able to like- i dunno- possibily- eh- probably not-but maybe- hooked up with someone else… More likely I just freaked some people out- but honestly i wouldn’t have been able to seal the deal anyways-
I just think about this girl like 4009900909090billion times a day. stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid!!!
I- might be a little insecure- and I know girls don’t like that- they want confidence. When she had that emergancy and left and I assumed she had planned that and was breaking up with me those insecurities showed- she was probably annoyed at the 98749832 text messages and the 9827342834223423 voice mails and the 2342309842342 other times I called and didn’t leave a message. (ok so it more like a doz texts and about 4 voicemails and stuff- but still- I shouldn’t have questioned it) I am almost postitive that is why I got dumped. -the insecurity thing.
It would be easier if she just told me what it was. Maybe she just didn’t like the commitment- or the time i was taking up or the religion difference…
We did talk about that alot. And i am pretty much considering now-still after i got dumped- that maybe this religion thing might be good for me. It does give life a more defined purpose in a way.
I am worried though- am I doing this for me- or to try to get her back? I have thought bout it pretty much since it first came up and I first went to church with her that one time.
I almost joined that church my senior year in HS- but i was a member at another church.
I am not going to lie- I really like the values that this church tries to put in the hearts and minds of it’s members. But then there is some stuff that is pretty hard to believe too.
But really, I have a hard time believeing any relgion whats the difference in this one? How am I supposed to know that what they say is or isn’t true- i wasn’t there when any of this stuff came bout… I never seen jesus- I can’t translate the original text of the bible- I don’t know what was ommited and what was added- How can I honestly say one thing is more true than another.
I think i am doing this for me.
Filed under: Uncategorized
It’s so damn frusterating. Why can’t I just forget about her. Eh… Why don’t I want to forget about her?
What the heck happend to me? Why was she so great? What does she have that other girls don’t?
If only I could let go- everything would be fine.
I don’t see myself getting over her any time soon. I will be trying though.
I tell ya, it’s weird when she still tries to talk to me and be my friend. I mean, I want that-sorta- but I just want more too- unfortunately she can’t give that to me like ever.
I am thinking bout looking into a church- crazy as that sounds comming from me. And has much as I hate it… it was all Robyn’s idea to begin with- She really worked me over on this subject. I mean I was really happy with my “good natured” idea’s that didn’t have anything to do with religion. Now, I just feel kinda excited bout church- weird. I can’t believe i said that.
Filed under: relationships
I can’t explain anything very well right now. I have came up with several poem ideas only to find myself grasping for the right words. Really all I know is that I really don’t know what to say.
I herd everyone tell me… she’s playing games. I should have listened. I didn’t.
Still, even though my heart was pretty much broken into so many pieces that it would take prolly millennia to fix- I still am in love with her. I gave her to much of myself. Or maybe it’s not as bad as I am making it out to be. Imagine trying to give someone a heart that is broken into pieces so small that it seemed like u were giving someone a pile of sand instead.
I should hate her. I feel lied to, manipulated, and used. But I don’t exactly. I still want her back. I still am in denial that she really did what she did to me.
My problem is that I didn’t guard myself. I should have known to not let myself get out of control of the situation. I should have been the one to leave at the first thought that I wasn’t in control of the situation… I didn’t. Instead everything that seemed so perfect one day came crashing down in a horrific yet awesome display.
I begged. I hid. I felt ashamed. I am left wanting more. And most of all-there is nothing left but the air I breathe.
Maybe it would hurt if I could still feel anything. I just don’t. I should hate her and I don’t.
She was indecisive-worried bout the wrong things- but said all the right things to make me believe that there was more to her than meets the eye.
She was secretive- never telling me anything that I should know- like when she left- who leaves someone they care bout without giving some kind of concrete reason as to why they had to go? Sounds like another game she played to either see how I would react to it, or she just didn’t care enough to think bout it. Or it was part of her plan and she didn’t really have an excuse until Sunday- three days after she left.
I think it would be better to deal with a broke arm or leg than to have to deal with the numbness that has taken over my life.
I am getting by though. Little things like video games can take up alot of time and help me not to think about how much I cared about her. It helps me to not think bout how stupid I must have seemed to everyone around me.
Feels like I went fishing… caught a nice fish and because I was so excited bout it that I actually lost the pole.
If anyone reads this- don’t be like me. Guard yourself. Give only what needs to be given. And don’t drop the pole- you’ll need that for the next fish ur gonna catch- and these kinda fishing poles aren’t sold at ur local Wal-Mart.
I don’t want sympathy- I don’t want anything. I am just sharing my experience I guess and trying to live my life the best that I can.
I know I have been talking bout this for so long and it seems like I should be talking bout something else. But I am really still screwed up about it all- and have been since the first day I met her.
Filed under: Uncategorized
Not the empty feeling… oh no… it’s more of that embaressed feeling… Kinda like when you lock your keys in the car with the engine running and u have to let it sit there and run out of gas… Or like what it might feel like to have ur car stolen!
I hate it. Yeah I am definately embaressed about this whole getting dumped thing. Not so much because of my friends… but because of her.
I guess love really is like that pot of gold I was talking bout when I came up with this title… when incase anyones wondering… the pot of gold isn’t real so what does that make love?
