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So my life at this time seems like bullshit! When do I get my payoff! What’s it all for- all the pain and heartache- everyday- it’s hard. Sometimes I wish I could just cry hard and get it out of my system- but I can’t.
I hate sounding like a baby about things- but maybe thats just what I am at this time- I so tired of comming in last place- I tired of not being good enough… I am tired of failure.
I just want a good reason to be happy again. I mean I was happy- till I met a girl- seems like maybe I should just stay alone for my entire life- maybe i’ll be happier that way.
It’s not anyone’s fault but my own- I did give her to much of myself so why am I complaining about it! Why does it still hurt it’s been over a month!
I think the thing that makes me the saddest- is that I am pretty sure there two girls that may have a crush on me- one of them I am not attracted to… the other- I don’t even wanna think bout it! Why does it make me sad u ask? Cause I know what it’s like to like someone who don’t like ya back and it hurts alot. And Cause if it makes me feel the way i do now- or did- or something like that- i don’t wanna be apart of it.
I mean they haven’t said anything about being anything more than friends- but one of them asked me to come over for dinner- which was alittle strange- maybe not- last weekend she asked me to come over to this “get together” with some friends where we played some games- Actually she probably is just being nice- but I am not sure… I am not sure If i want her her to like me or if I don’t want her to like me… it’s a strange feeling.
And then there is my X turn good friend turn doesn’t answer her phone- i am being forgoten i believe and that makes me sad too! I can’t stop thinking bout her. It’s so hard… it makes me wanna just curl up and sleep and never wake up- cause every time I sleep I dream of her and in those dreams everything is always going or ending up GOOD!
I have had several dreams where she said she was sorry for everything and finally confessed everything to me- and i finally figured out everything and I felt sooooo good and I was happy and I knew that everything was going to be perfect and my life was going the way it was supposed to. But then I wake up and it hurts to know that she’ll never say that and it’s never going to be ok… never! SHE BLEW IT! and I am suck with it!
IT’s like in that movie Love potion NUMBER 9… there was two potions- one that attracted every girl to you… and the other one that if u kiss ur true love – you’ll know… and if you kiss someone who’s not… ur going to taste mule piss for the rest of ur life and never get it out of ur mouth… well i am tasting mule piss! – not really- but thats the only anlogoy i can think of … if you haven’t seen the movie… rent it. It’s in the old movie section.
I am tired of being lonely- but I am more tired of being used and taken advantage of..
GOD GIVE ME SOMETHING USEFUL IN MY LIFE!
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